Some time ago, I picked up a book entitled, Unwanted by Lysa TerKeurst.
It was a time where I truly and honestly felt un-needed, unwanted and unnecessary in the lives of my (then) friends. It’s as if this book became a guide to healing through all the trials I was beginning to face.
I felt like I was loosing sight of who I was, and I most definitely did. I placed my value on how they treated me and if they wanted me around, and lost sight of who made me, and who gave me value. I lost sight of the fact that no living person truly could make me happy in the same way God could.
It led me to a cycle of negativity, constant questioning and complete insecurity. The worst part is that it started to affect all of my relationships, not just the ones I had with “them.”
It’s as if these people had a hold of me and who I was and could be. These relationships even made it difficult for me to want to open up to other people, other friends and I began to have the mentality of, “what’s the point? They’re probably not even going to be my forever friends anyway.”
I felt complete heartache.
To be 100% honest, I honestly believed I was over it, but I wasn’t. I still held a lot of reservations and anxieties towards it, even now. I would even get scared and cynical to the point where it made me want to avoid these people at all costs, to avoid all people. So I disappeared and made myself scarce.
I even made myself scarce to myself. It’s as if I had lost myself, why I loved things about me and the person I was working towards being.
This season, I wish I could say is over and that I’m “healed,” but the way I felt then is a way I have felt all of my life. I didn’t pick up Lysa’s book because I needed a Christian self-help book through this season, I had just began to live through. I picked it up in a time were I was focussing purely and truly on my relationship with Jesus. I figured, why not? and in true Jesus form, he delivered what I didn’t think I needed. He was swift, loving and not only did I have the bible, I now had someone else’s testimony that I could truly relate to.
What’s even more heartbreaking, is that I have always believed I was the problem, even if I refused to admit it to myself until recently. But my best friend recently told me, “maybe you’re not truly the problem, maybe you’re just a bad judge of character?” And it honestly hit me like a ton of bricks.
Could I possibly be putting too much pressure on myself to be perfect that I ignore the “red flags?” the true signs of someones identity and character? Could it be that because I was working too hard to ignore someones faults that I would be a overachieving giver. That when I subsequently disagreed, and truly spoke my mind, people would all of a sudden want to “drop me” from their lives?
Or could this be a gift I have been given? A gift where I choose to see the good and the potential in others (but i’m even bad at this)?
To be clear, I don’t truly know the answer. I don’t know If I’m the problem, or not. And up until this moment I didn’t even think I would be posting this for the three followers I have. Even now, I fear that posting my feelings will cause those around me to disagree so very much that I’ll be left with nothing, empty-handed.
At the church I volunteer at, the High School pastor recently had all of us go through a series on mental health, but yesterday I found some more answers I needed. The scripture came from the Gospel and it’s one I’ve read time and time again, but it was until now that I truly let it “speak to me.”
Treasures in Heaven
19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,[a] your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy,[b] your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[c]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:19-34 (ESV)
It almost seems ironic, that while this series was meant more for the High Schoolers, I learned more than I even expected and walked away a little more hopeful, for he was answering my prayers where I didn’t expect it. Life is honestly so wild sometimes.
I’m unsure if you’ve ever felt remotely this way, but I leave you with this, hold tight my dear friend, you are not alone. You are not less than or unwanted and I write this as a reminder to myself as well. You are loved, special and you have a gift, even if you have yet to discover it.
Remember who’s you are, for you are incredibly special.
Check out Lysa’s book!