I don’t write much lately.
“I’m busy,” is often the excuse, yet many times I find myself internally struggling with something and realize, almost always, the ways in which God has decided to answer my prayers and the multitude of questions I often make myself struggling with alone.
Recently I realized a struggle and answer to something I had been giving a lot of thought. This blog.
You see, I recently had to pay for my domain. Every year around the same time, on the same day, I am asked to make an extremely minimal fee for the beautiful title “GildedLettersAndSweetPeonies.com.”
It’s a long one, but it speaks to me so much. It just fits in my opinion. At the time, I chose it because I believe that words on paper are like gold, they are magical in every sense of the word, and peonies, because I was and still am infatuated with peonies, despite my love for roses, thanks to my grandmother.
But I digress. I was sitting wondering why I even started this? When I started this blog I wasn’t even a christian, or I could hardly call myself a Catholic, seeing as I grew up in a Catholic household. Yet, this evolved into me telling stories about my life struggles and how I felt God was speaking to me.
It was beautiful. I even had a classmate/friend reach out to me after discovering my blog on my Instagram handle. She had forwarded my blog to a friend who was struggling through a season, herself. She told me that I spoke to her and helped her gain some type of perspective and I wept.
I couldn’t believe my words got to someone. Nonetheless someone I had never met, and still my words meant something to her.
But for some reason I stopped writing…again.
It’s the ever present internal battle I face after every post I create, how will I top the last? Who even cares about what I write about? Will one of my old high school peers repost my blog and rip it a new one (hence the reason I’m typically scared to post my blog on my Facebook and primarily only do it on my Instagram or twitter). Or my personal favorite, the notion that, “this isn’t even worth writing about.”
But it’s all lies and an excuse I let the enemy plant in my head. Go figure.
I recently finished a book that made me cry from start to finish. It’s entitled This Life I Live by Rory Feek. Rory is a singer, songwriter and native to Nashville, Tennessee, and I suppose he is also a talented writer and he even runs his own blog! (via This Life I Live).
Rory is a man after God’s heart. In his first book he wrote his and his wife Joey’s love story, but more than that he shared a story of hope after heartbreak and sadness. And you bet your pretty face, I cried my eyes out, I actually physically laid down one evening and cried next to my boyfriend as he read a long with me (and he’s not much of a reader) and he consoled me. I didn’t even know Joey nor do I know Rory but I wept my eyes out.
I didn’t know it then, but I realized God was speaking to me. I often feel God speaking to me through everyday things. Nothing super extravagant, but if I’m not paying attention I can often miss it and learn absolutely nothing, but it dawned on me this evening, I was called by God to share my life through this blog. I was called by name, by Him, to share the ordinary day-to-day, even when it may seem in-extravagant or dumb, or silly, because my words may matter to SOMEONE, and that’s all it takes.
Rory himself decided to share his life through music, then a show, then through a Hymns album he created with his wife while they were going through the most difficult chapter of their lives, a blog and eventually his first book. He didn’t necessarily share their story with a target audience in mind, but with the hope that his and Joey’s story would help someone, or speak to someone to see the good even when it hurts to.
And I’m not saying I’m no Rory Feek, but I am saying that my brokenness and struggles mean something because He loves me and I mean something to Him. But I’m only human, and if my gift is to write about my seasons of doubt, happiness, joy, brokenness, laughter, love and so on than I will OBEY His command and I will stop fighting and rebelling God. If there was one thing I learned from Deuteronomy is that I want to be more like Caleb and Joshua who believed in God’s provision and didn’t plant seeds of doubt like the rest of the twelve spies. I want to follow diligently and live purposefully, even if that means writing journal like entries about my day-to-day life. And that is beautiful, and if that’s all I amount to, it’s worth it.
Writing is my God given gift, and it’s beautiful.